In retrospect, warning signs had extended back for many months but, as is often the case, they were missed both by Gabrielle and her doctors. She had previously suffered from colitis, so the typical bowel symptoms of cancer were easily explained away. But after her symptoms had continued for five months, she underwent a colonoscopy and a large tumour of the colon was diagnosed. This was removed at surgery but unfortunately the cancer had already spread to the liver by that time.

Gabrielle had never previously been depressed even though depression runs in her family. Her mother had been affected by the condition, as had three of her four sisters, two of whom spent lengthy stays in psychiatric hospitals and one of whom committed suicide. After the surgery Gabrielle could understand how this third sister had been driven to such a desperate act as she herself was overcome by a ‘tremendous’ depression. She felt sad and tearful much of the time. Riddled with guilt, she blamed herself for not having attended to the symptoms of her tumour more promptly. She couldn’t eat and felt like being sick almost all the time. Normally a very sociable person, she didn’t want to talk to anyone or answer the phone. Gabrielle spent much of the day lying in bed, looking at the ceiling. Her legs were heavy and she was unable to walk, which was perhaps just as well because she had thoughts of running into the street and putting an end to it all.

Her doctor prescribed Lustral, which she took for three days but stopped because it suppressed her appetite, made her feel nauseated and interfered with her sleep. Another anti-depressant was prescribed but she was reluctant to take it as it came with warnings against going into the sun and she and her family were on the verge of taking a trip to Puerto Rico to see one of her children. In Puerto Rico Gabrielle’s husband told her about St John’s Wort and she felt there seemed to be little harm in trying the herbal remedy. Even though the setting was lovely and she was with family, she still felt very down and ‘like a drag on everybody’.

Gabrielle bought some St John’s Wort in a health food shop in Puerto Rico and began by taking one capsule twice a day. It worked ‘like magic’ and after a week she felt wonderful. She has been on it now for two months and all symptoms of depression have left even though she needs to go for chemotherapy once a week. ‘I go out, I talk to people again and I don’t think of my physical illness.’ Gabrielle attributes some of her recovery to the loving support of her family and holidays they have taken together, but she is sure that none of this would have been possible without the power of St John’s Wort which, to her relief, has been without any side-effects whatsoever. So excited is she about the herb that she suggested that her daughter, who was also depressed, start St John’s Wort at the same time as she did. According to Gabrielle, ‘my daughter is very happy with its effects.’ Gabrielle has been told that the prognosis for her cancer is good and she is determined to live her life as fully as possible. Now that her depression is better she is able to make good on this resolution.

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2. Do your ‘homework’—breathing exercises, diet, exercise, relaxation, cultivating optimistic thoughts.

3. Remember it has taken you a long time to get into this state. Recovery won’t come overnight.

4. You are the only person who knows what it feels like to be in your body. Ignore the person who says you should be well after two weeks.

5. Smile—the real you is still there!

Holistic Healing

Often great emphasis is placed on the physical, emotional, and mental health of the individual. Spiritual well-being is ignored. ‘How can that possibly affect the way I am feeling?’ Some believe that this is the most important area to explore.

Many have discovered or renewed their faith in God by the experience of nervous illness.

In the search for inner peace and relief from ‘disease’, some people have found spiritual healing the answer. Following the discipline of yoga or meditation has been the way for others.

Suffering Is Not All Bad

It can be a time for learning, and because of new insight, a time for reaching out to those in distress around you.

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The muscles of the neck and shoulders are particularly troublesome. You may find yourself walking around with your shoulders almost touching your ears. Ask your family to gently press your shoulders down when they see you doing this, or pretend that you have a heavy weight in each hand. Sitting on a hard chair, pushing down on your hands and slightly raising your buttocks may help to exercise neck muscles. Sitting up in a chair with a covered hot water bottle between the shoulders can be helpful.

Some doctors prescribe quinine for the muscle spasm. Perhaps the joint pains can be explained by the strain resulting from abnormal muscle action.

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The dreams and nightmares that you are flooded with during withdrawal are just your mind doing work that it should have done months or years before.

The dreams are often described as evil. They include: violence; disaster; disturbed sexual behaviour. People who are distressed by incestuous or homosexual dreams feel greatly comforted when they learn it is a common experience in withdrawal, and will soon pass.

Recounting your dreams or writing them down when you wake sometimes helps to make you less anxious about them. Trust your mind to do the work. Your normal dreaming and sleeping pattern will return.

Those who suffer withdrawal insomnia say it is the most difficult symptom to cope with. So often it is said ‘If only I could get a good night’s sleep, I could cope with the days’. Sleeping only a couple of hours a night in early withdrawal is not uncommon. Although it is very hard to bear, try not to become too anxious about it. Withdrawal insomnia is a particularly severe form of insomnia—time is the only cure.

Lying in warm water or in a warm bed can give your muscles the rest they need. Listen to relaxation tapes, and practise abdominal breathing. Try to quieten your racing thoughts by concentrating on feeling the breath entering and leaving one nostril. Every time your concentration wanders away to your jumbled thoughts, just gently bring it back again to concentrating on your breath. Do not get angry with yourself for not even being able to do this simple task, just keep going for five minutes, then try later. This simple meditation is helpful if you can discipline yourself to do it regularly. Some people have found a radio with headphones very helpful; it cuts out external sound and helps to slow down racing thoughts.

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The opposite of the desired effect can be expected (in some people) for a time. This is called the rebound reaction.

Do not be alarmed by this list of symptoms. You may only experience a couple of them, particularly if you reduce carefully:

increased anxiety, increased depression: insomnia: panic attacks: suicidal feelings: agoraphobia: outbursts of rage flu-like symptoms: hyperactivity: craving for tablets hallucinations (seeing and hearing things): confusion headaches: dizziness: sweating: palpitations: slow pulse tight chest: abdominal pain: nausea: nightmares: restlessness: increased sensitivity to light, noise, touch and smell: sore eyes: blurred vision: creeping sensation in the skin, loss of interest in sex: impotence: pain in jaw or face: sore tongue: metallic taste: pain in the shoulders and neck: sore heavy limbs: pins and needles: jelly legs: shaking. Fits have been reported but only where drugs have been stopped abruptly.

Remember that some people don’t get any of the above symptoms and also that there is now much more help than in previous years for those who do have discomfort.

Why some people become physically dependent on tranquillizers (or any other substance), and others don’t is unknown. It is possible that people who become addicted to benzodiazepines are those who are also allergic to them. Dr Richard Mackarness, in his book A Little of What You Fancy, describes masked allergies in alcohol and cigarette dependence. When even small doses of the substance are taken the masked allergy is under control. There are certainly many allergic-type symptoms in withdrawal, and they appear after complete withdrawal.

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