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Certainly in the days before contraception was widely available there were very good reasons for avoiding intercourse before marriage. Women were largely excluded from the workforce, so pregnancy with no independent means of support was a disaster. Safe abortion was not an option so it came down to backyard abortion, adoption, or shotgun wedding. Marriages on the basis of financial support or for social acceptability were pressured from the start. Even today, the implications of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease can be tragic, and it is these results of sexual ignorance and misadventure that cause us the most concern.

Obviously, the concept of virginity fails to take into account two important things. Firstly, that most early sexual experience do not involve intercourse. Secondly, it ignores the substantial number of people whose early sexual encounters are with a same-sex partner. Although it is often written about, it is a subject rarely discussed … even between close friends … and may not even be remembered. Research in the United States showed that a third of all males have had at least one same-sex experience leading to orgasm since puberty and the estimates are about the same for women. Of course this need not determine your later sexual orientation.

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While the peer group is a vital source of information about sex, it can also be a big source of misinformation. One woman told me that when she was about twelve, she had a best friend who, she was convinced, was the font of all knowledge. ‘Jane told me that the way you got pregnant was to lie back to back in bed with a man. Well, I didn’t think too much more about it until one Sunday morning I hopped into bed with Mum and Dad and dozed off to sleep. When I woke up I was horrified to discover that I was lying back to back with my dad. I went through hell for the next week until I got up the courage to ask Mum if that’s how babies were made. She just smiled at me and said that that wasn’t quite how it happened. Not really the explanation I wanted, but it was enough to calm my fears at the time. I think it was also Jane who told me that when you grow up you bleed from your bottom every time you go to the toilet. I could hardly wait for that!’

Getting your first period is one of the most obvious and symbolic events in the process of a girl’s journey to adulthood. It signals approaching physical maturity, and its arrival can be a cause of great concern for some. If it’s earlier than your peers you’re not prepared for it; if it’s later than the others you feel trapped in childhood, like being shut out from membership of an exclusive club.

Julie recalled when she was fifteen: ‘All of the friends in my group had started their periods except for me. They had long conversations about which brand of tampons they liked better and whether they used an applicator or not. I felt really left out, and I thought it was never going to happen to me. My mum tried to help by telling me that it was bound to happen soon, and once it did I’d wonder why I’d wanted to rush it. I got to the point where I thought I’d just lie and tell my friends I had them anyway.’

Shelley tells a different story. ‘I was only ten and a half. I hadn’t even heard of a period, so it had never occurred to me to ask. When I discovered blood in my underpants, I thought I was going to die. Literally. I really thought I had cancer or something. Mum was just as surprised as I was. She said that she would have told me, but she thought she had plenty of time yet. At least it got us talking about other things too, like sex and what happens to boys … that sort of thing.’

The messages for girls about periods are traditionally very negative. Expressions like ‘The Curse’ don’t exactly sell the concept of ‘happy to be a woman’. Mind you, it’s a bit hard to be thrilled about premenstrual syndrome or period pains. These are a fact of life but you don’t have to be a passive victim of them. Regular aerobic exercise (especially in the premenstrual week) and learning to deal with stressful situations will fight the symptoms. There is growing support for dietary measures such as reducing alcohol, caffeine and refined sugar intake in the week before the period is due. Sometimes medication will be needed and the group of drugs called non-steroidal anti-inflammatory agents (NSAIDs) are quite effective.

The way parents react when their daughters start their periods can heavily influence girls’ attitudes to these natural changes. For some parents it is a sad event, as they mourn the passing of their daughter’s childhood. For others it is a welcome milestone in their child’s development, just as hearing their baby’s first words or seeing their first steps.

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If circumstances make it hard to answer your child’s questions there and then, remember to bring it up again later. If a child senses that a parent is uncomfortable with certain subjects, they will soon learn that it’s not okay to ask. It’s easier to train kids not to ask than it is to keep the lines of communication open.

Avoid using slang words: a penis is a penis; a vulva is a vulva. As we mature towards adulthood, we need a vocabulary to describe ourselves emotionally and physically. Without an effective sexual vocabulary, we cannot hope to fully communicate with a partner on that level. Learning the right words is part of good preparation.

Mind you, despite the best of intentions a child doesn’t always get the words right first time. A friend’s daughter came home from school one day and said that they had talked about sex at school. My friend asked her what she had learnt. ‘Well Mum’, she said confidently. ‘First we learnt that a man has a penis and a lady has a Volvo.’ Back to the old drawing board!

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